He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
