Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
