just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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