I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
