Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
