How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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