It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
