you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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