He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
