I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
