Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
