make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
