I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
