I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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