My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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