he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
4 words: hood of his car
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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