Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
