***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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