do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
