so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
