Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize