I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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