During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
