he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
