I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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