You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
