she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
there is puke in my bra ... again
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
