she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
