He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
