my phone needs a breathalizer
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
