we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
