We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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