If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
