Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
barbara walters just said penis...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
