i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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