Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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