Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
