Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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