Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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