omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
