those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
