i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The best walk of shames are on the highway
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
