Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
