I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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