The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize