She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
