HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
