I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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