Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
