The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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