Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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