i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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