What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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