Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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