i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
